Too much information

I haven't written in a while, and it hasn't been for a lack of words or inspiration, I just haven't felt like sharing my journey. Not that it's meant to be private, I wouldn't have started a blog if that was the case, I just have not figured how to put into words this experience.

I think it's most fitting to start a month ago and slowly work from there.

In the beginning of October I took a 24 hour bus ride to the Atacama Desert, the driest desert in the world. It was breathtaking. I'm a city girl by nature and have never experienced anything like this. It was sand as far as the eye could see and the sand wasn't even the part that amazed me, it was that people lived there. This place that is such a tourist destination is someone's home. I could barely believe I was there for 4 days, but living there must be incredible. Don't get me wrong, I personally would never move there, but I can see the desire to live in a quiet and beautiful place where everyone knows your name and they are all just happy about life. That's a rare quality to find in a large city. It was like the entire town was always at peace with nature and with themselves, a quality I envied about them. I don't remember the last time I was at peace, actually I'm not sure I've ever been at peace. There is always another thousand thoughts running thought my head and wondering about the next step. While I was there, on my first solo journey, I began reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love. Now I know that some people who have read it found she was a tad too surly and crass, but that's what I loved about it. She was honest, I think it's noble that people want to read a book about someone finding themselves and be happy along the way. Well Love, if she was happy with her life, there would be no reason for the journey in the first place. Now of course I could not relate to Gilbert because she was in her 30's and going through a divorce, but that was not what I took away from the book.

Upon graduating college I had no idea what I wanted to do and many times during my senior I broke out into tears because there was no much unknowing in my life. I wasn't exactly laying on the bathroom floor asking God for advice like Gilbert, but I cried to my mom and my friends and to myself, however all of the conversations ended with "it'll be okay". I believed that to a certain extent, but not fully...which is why I cried more than once. I know that may seems like a tangent, but it's not. I felt this was my divorce. This was the part of my life where I didn't know what would come next and the thing that I've known for the past four year is coming to an end and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. But I had to move on...and I had to move home. This wasn't the worst thing in the world, but it wasn't the easiest. I just assumed that I would have the dream job, dream apartment, and everything else once I graduated, but when you realize life doesn't go as planned it a scary wake up call. Gilbert's life didn't go as planned so she travel around the world, I moved to Chile. I don't think was an extreme as her, but I think it was in the same realm of thought. Now I know I'm not a New York Times #1 Best Selling Author, but I would like to share what I've learned so far.

My name is Simone Soledad Dyson and I am the most imperfect person I have ever know, and I absolutely love it. I think that this journey of mine has allowed me to fall deeply in love with myself, not in a narcissistic "I'm-the-greatest-person-on-earth-and-everyone-should-know-that"way but a "this is who I am and I am proud of it (followed by a super big smile)" way. I feel like traveling to Chile helped me to break out of my comfort zone, but traveling through Atacama allowed me to love myself and be with myself and get to know my self, like I've never done before. I honestly feel like I was changed and bettered in four days. I didn't know that could happen, but it did. Anywhoooo...this is what I've learned thus far (and I learn a little more everyday)

• I'm shy and a bit nervous when I have to speak to people I don't know. I know it may not seem that way, but around new people I am shy and I'm not always the go-and-say-hello type of person. I know I may seem social and over the top sometimes, but at my core I'm shy and a little reserved. However after a while I'll just suck it up and if I want to or need to talk to someone I will, I may be shy but I am confident enough to believe that people will not dislike me (not everyone is going to like you) once I say hello, and if they don't I'm not going to take it too personally.
• I like being alone. I LOVE being alone, maybe it's because I'm an only child or because there are usually always people around you, but being along is like going on a date with yourself and getting a chance to learn more think about all those things you don't think about when you're around other people. You're the only person in charge and can do whatever you want to do, and you can be a little selfish...which is always nice.
• I am independent. I can handle situations on my own and I don't need to rely on someone else, like I thought I did. AND (cough cough) I can handle them in English and Spanish! It's nice to have someone you can call on and who can take care of you, but knowing you don't need them makes it that much better. I know this may not seem like a big revelation, but I've been sheltered most of my life and could always call on someone else, or blame someone else, for a problem I've had. I've learned to fix my own problems and own up to them when I make a mistake.
• My relationship with me is more important than my relationship with you(no particular you, just an abstract you). I always thought that when people say "you can't love someone unless you love yourself" made sense, but didn't have to be true. Now I know it's true, and I know it's true because right now I am falling in love with myself and do not have time to fall in love with you (again, abstract you). However, when I have fully fallen in love with myself and am comfortable with myself my heart can be open to you. My best friend pointed out to me that through college with each boyfriend I changed who I was, and she thought I had lost track of who I really was, it was a hard thing to hear and realize, but she was right, and I'm glad I'm finding myself again. Her comment wasn't the reason for this journey, Lord knows this wasn't a "go off and find yourself" trip after some emotional break down, this was more of a "I have nothing to do, but I want to travel trip", finding my self has been been the icing on a yummy cake.
• I'm not warm and fuzzy. If anyone has ever seen The Blind Side, I think that female character best represents me. I'm caring and affectionate, but I'm not warm and fuzzy like other people I have encountered. There is a someone who works at my school and she is the sweetest, warmest, and kindest, person you'd be lucky enough to meet. She is actually loving with every single one of her actions. Me however, not so much. I'm nice, I care, but I'm blunt and have no problem saying how I feel. I used to think this was an problem, but it's only a problem when I'm blunt without regard for someone else's feelings, I used to be like that...but that's not who I am.
• I'm weird. I mean everyone is weird, but I'm really weird. Living with new people who have never encountered me before, they point out to me how weird I am, and I've started to notice as well. I think it's hilarious. There are too many things to share, but as far as normal goes I'm not even in the same field. Example, for breakfast I eat one banana, cut into four pieces, one line of palm honey on each piece, and four Canela Quartitos (I don't know the same of the cereal in English) on each piece. This has nothing to do with health or calories, just the way I like to eat it. I know...weird. It's also weird that upon moving to Chile I have an odd love for all things banana, and before coming here I never ate them.

To some people reading this it may seem like they knew that about me, but I didn't know it and until you know someone about yourself it doesn't really count. My apologies for this being the longest blog post to date, but I haven't written in a while and frankly, I just had a lot to say.

As the risk of sounding super cliche...I think a James Baldwin quote sums up my experience the best.

"I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. "

Se Habla Espanol?

Okay, I guess since I've been here for a month Spanish should be better than it is now. I need to seriously practice, I will feel like such a failure if I come back from this 5 month excursion and can only say "hola, como esta", that would be so sad. I am making a vow from this day forward to learn and speak Spanish on a regular basis. This isn't a very long post, I just want to be accountable to the world if I come back and speak less Spanish then before.

So here we go...

the shadow

Those who are brutally honest are seldom so with themselves. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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I know it's emo, but I feel like I can't have a real photo of me right now because I don't know who I really am...so the shadow is currently the best descriptor of my current state. I tried to change it to a photo of my on the beach, but it just wasn't honest.

I was up until 5am last night thinking about myself, ways to better myself, grow, and learn from this experience.

I've come to the conclusion that I've never really felt like an adult. I know I have chances to be independent, but there has always been someone else I could call when thing got difficult. However, last night I had to question that if I had to only rely on myself in a tough situation...would I be able to? Or would I crumble and become the quivering child I am afraid I really am. Let's be honest for a second, I've never really been on my own-own and I always call my mom when something goes wrong...is that the way it's supposed to be? Or is that normal at 22 and I'm just trying to grow up to fast? I want a chance to make my own mistakes and deal with them at my own rate and own time.

I know it may seem silly, but U feel that because I've never truly been on my own, I don't know if I've ever been who I truly am. Not that I know who that is yet, but I feel like I've always been the person some else expected me to be, this includes friends, roommates, boyfriends, and parents. I feel like I get brief glimpses of myself every now and then, but if I had to put it all together I would have no idea where to start....and let me tell you. That's scary. I know it's trite, but I want to find myself. Not because it's what people are "supposed to do", but because I feel that I need to. I need some serious self reflection on the good and the bad things I've done. I need to know if those actions were influenced by others, or things I truly wanted to do, did I do something to make someone else happy or because I truly wanted to make that choice. Who answers these questions...when is the right time to ask them. What if I don't like the answers, what if I don't like me? Is it too late to change me? Then again the entire concept of me in relative and it's what I'm trying to find, so I could not start to answer the questions I am asking.

So I've decided that although I need to get to know other people, I need to know myself first. Truly know myself, I need to be confident enough to stand up for what I believe in and what I want to do, no matter what others or what they think I should be doing. As it stands now, I think I'm a good person, I just need to figure out why, what makes me different, and how bad decisions I have made factor into my "good personness".

I feel like I've gone a while being the person that someone else wanted me to be, so I hope when I'm the person I want me to be that everyone is okay with that....and if they aren't, than that's too fvcking bad.

Brrr...It's cold in here.

No, literally.

It's cold. I thought when I was warned that it would be cold here in August they were exaggerating. They weren't, I wear at least three layers a day and wear two shirts, sweatpants, and two pairs of socks to sleep. However, other than the cold it's going well.

I had my first day of classes last week. I work on Monday, Tuesday, and half day Wednesday. The first day was a little difficult, seeing as I have never had one-on-one time with two year olds, but I quickly got the hang of it. My first project was painting with primary colors, and it went fabulously! They were making the best shades of green, brown, and purple I had ever seen. After that the projects followed with a cutting lesson, life skills, and shape matching. It's weird that kids really have to learn everything. I know that may seem silly, but it never occurred to me that every day to day skills and action at some point was taught to you. I guess you just don't remember when you were 3 and someone was instructing you on how to properly wash your hands.

The big project for this semester is an alphabet chart that I am working on with Jim, we are alternating letters. The kids are making individual 6x6 inch cards with an art project and a letter that they will be able to hang up at home. It should be nice once we are done, but we're only on C's and D's right now, so it will take a while. Overall, I really like the school and working with children. I know no one really thought that I would have the patients for children, but I do. They bring a warm smile to my face and I enjoy my daily dance lessons from my favorite 4 year old Marianna, she looks like the cutest cabbage patch doll you've ever seen! It's such an enjoyable experience and I look forward to everyday. However... I was caught off guard when they asked me if I knew any children's songs and I started signing some little green frog song and all of a sudden I was singing into a tape recorder. As many of you know, I do not have the best singing voice and although the kids were enjoying the song it really just bothered me that my terrible voice was now on record.

In other news, we started our Spanish lessons this week and our Spanish teacher does not speak English. None. Zero. Zip. Although she is a very nice lady, it doesn't work out too well when we are attempting to ask her questions. We tried to play pictionary in Spanish and although I have mastered pictionary junior in English (shout out to Krissy, Paige, and Marcia), it was not the same. I was guessing in English and she kept looking at me very confused, but although my drawing and guessing skills are sub par, I have discovered that my Spanish is better than I remembered! I don't have all the verb tenses down, yet but I can fair in a non English speaking country just fine, and I think I'm getting better each day. Dema helps me a lot with my Spanish skills because she took it at University and remembers her classes. Jim on the other hand doesn't speak any Spanish, although his pronunciation is incredible. I've also discovered that after one, or two, drinks my Spanish gets even better.

The first week went by so fast and I know more has happened, but those were the big moments. I'm going to try and blog more because I feel like my full experience cannot be captured in a few paragraphs.

Until then...adios

The Arrival

Getting here was anything short of easy, but I'm glad I made it.

In less than 24 hours I have been in 4 cities and 3 planes. The first flight was from Chicago to DC, then DC to New York, and finally the 9hr and 50mn flight from New York to Santiago. Wooah, that was a lot, luckily the invention of sleeping pills allowed me to wake up just as the flight from Santiago was coming in and I got a good nights rest. Now, arriving in Santiago was a different story. I got off the plane to an airport with no heat and although I'm from Chicago, my Gap sweater wasn't exactly cutting it at 6:30 in the morning. As I arrive at the airport I find that not only do Americans have to pay a $140 fee to enter the country, but that my new suitcase is not missing on wheel. Oh joy, that was a good way to start my trip...but I went on.

Now for those of you that don't know me and don't know many details about my trip, I am not in Santiago, I am in Vina del Mar, which is two hours away from Santiago, so I had to take the bus. I was so worried when I got on the first bus, my Spanish is terrible and I knew enough to make out that the TurBus person said "No Vina bus at this terminal, must get on this bus to another terminal to get to Vina bus", so with a confused look I got on the bus to the terminal in Santiago, hoping that I understood the directions correctly. Luckily, I was right and the bus driver was nice and helped me get my ticket to Vina and my broken bag over to the new bus stop. All was well with the world again and I could stop being worried about being lost and stranded in Chile. After another two hours of traveling I arrived in Vina and was picked up by the principal of the school, she was so sweet, and got moved into my new place. It's quaint, however in order to take a hot shower you have to turn on the gas, light a match, move this thing over, and wish upon a star- well not technically wish upon a star, but it's more involved than just turning on the knob.



Once I arrived, I went to the Feria (an open air fruit and veggie market) with my roommates Dema and Jim- they are both really great and I'm glad that I lucked out and am living with interesting, intelligent, and fun people. The Feria was interesting, it was tents in a dirt parking lot and they sold every fruit and vegetable I knew of, and even some that I did not. I felt it was a very cultural experience because everyone knew everyone and it had a very warm atmosphere. My roommates kept talking about making food and asking what I wanted to purchase, little did they know that I can't cook so I was willing to buy anything, but as far as preparing it, my one Chicken 101 class didn't prepare me as well as I had hoped.

The lovely day came to a close with empanadas and a walk along the beach with Dema, I couldn't have asked for a better first day and I am looking forward to what Chile has in store for me.

By the way-THANK GOD I'm from Chicago, no where here has heating, if I was from a warmer climate I would be freezing!

On the way!

Okay, I'll admit it...last night as I was running my last minute errands I was about to break out and hysterically cry. I was a wreck. I did not know if I was making the right choice and every what-if came into my mind.I never actually cried, but I was about to a bunch of times-I honestly did not know if I was going to be strong enough to make this day long journey...however, I got my shit together and I'm doing it!!! Now I'm pumped!!! During my goodbyes yesterday I was nervous, but I gave each person a sound "see you later" and left, I know this is not a time to say goodbyes, it's just a long period without my glorious presence. haha. I'm looking forward to my new adventure, although certain things of summer were cut short (shout out to you know who), but hey that's how life goes I guess and I wouldn't be the Simone I have known and come to love if I stayed behind a moment longer.

I'll blog and post photos as soon as I get there! I hope you're for excited for me as I am.

Ps- Add me on Skype: Simone.Dyson

Worlds Shortest Dissertation

It is not about the political reasons behind Kennedy's assassination, an African spore than can cure cancer, or the social motivations of America's youth. This is about life and what I have learned thus far. I have come to the following conclusions through research and a lot of mistakes, and I would like to share my wisdom with you.

1). Mistakes are inevitable.

I will be the first to admit that I am not the person to emulate if you want your child to grow up to be a wholesome person who does not make mistakes. If I told you that would just be a lie, however I love my imperfections and I think they have allowed me to grow as a person. The beauty about a mistake is that about 90% of the time you do not think you are making one when it happens. You are certain that you know exactly what you're getting into and you are aware of the outcome. However, when you end up on your ass in the middle of no where and looking dumb founded about how you got there you will look back and realize "damn, I shouldn't have done that". Hopefully from that point on you will see the mistake and never relive it, if you do then you do not grow and if you do not have the capacity to grow, you will not mature.

2). Friends are the worst people you will ever meet.

Harsh right? haha, well I just wanted to grab your attention because although there is some truth to the matter, they are the worst people because they are the best. Let me explain...your friends always have your best interests at heart and want you to be the best person you can be, yet in the process of them helping your to grow they will challenge you to be the person you are not sure you can be, but the person they know you can be. They do this out of love, a lot of love, it is a selfless and honest love and even when the message is not delivered correctly and brings a tear to your eye, and let's you know that when you need them they will be there in your corner- helping you back up or cheering you on. A true and honest friend is hard to find and even when you are unsure of something they are there time and time again to help you the best way they know how. My friends are phenomenal, I know this because of my journey across the world they have been most worried about me. Not that my parents aren't (oh, trust me- they are) but friends just always have to "level" with you and even if you don't want to listen they will challenge you and make you see every piece of the puzzle. I don't necessarily always like this approach, BUT I appreciate and respect it more than they will ever know.

3). Life Happens

If you asked me one month ago what I would be doing a month from then I would not have told you that I would be packing to move across the world. I would have given some trite response about "searching for the perfect job" blah blah blah. However, as the time passed here I am...packing, moving, and blogging. I have been presented with a new opportunity and I am taking it by the reins and going full force. Chances like this are what make life so exciting, not just because I am moving to another country but because I am now allowed to experience a new culture and a new world. If I didn't go now I would be looking back on my life and wondering "what if". And let me tell you from the mistakes I've made...that's an awful feeling. I don't want to look back and wonder what-if. I am going to take the chances that life has given me and make the best out of them. Now, although I am taking this chance, this corresponds to point 1) because I do not know how this will turn out- I am flipping a coin and this could either be the greatest opportunity of my life or the worst, although I highly doubt that it'll be the latter. There is a possible opportunity around every corner and taking chances, in life and love (please don't crucify me for the cliche), allows each day to be more exciting, fulfilling, and glorious.

I know I am only 22 and three short paragraphs about life may not change any thing or anyone, but I just wanted to share my point of view on life and what I think makes it worth living.