Those who are brutally honest are seldom so with themselves. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
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I know it's emo, but I feel like I can't have a real photo of me right now because I don't know who I really am...so the shadow is currently the best descriptor of my current state. I tried to change it to a photo of my on the beach, but it just wasn't honest.
I was up until 5am last night thinking about myself, ways to better myself, grow, and learn from this experience.
I've come to the conclusion that I've never really felt like an adult. I know I have chances to be independent, but there has always been someone else I could call when thing got difficult. However, last night I had to question that if I had to only rely on myself in a tough situation...would I be able to? Or would I crumble and become the quivering child I am afraid I really am. Let's be honest for a second, I've never really been on my own-own and I always call my mom when something goes wrong...is that the way it's supposed to be? Or is that normal at 22 and I'm just trying to grow up to fast? I want a chance to make my own mistakes and deal with them at my own rate and own time.
I know it may seem silly, but U feel that because I've never truly been on my own, I don't know if I've ever been who I truly am. Not that I know who that is yet, but I feel like I've always been the person some else expected me to be, this includes friends, roommates, boyfriends, and parents. I feel like I get brief glimpses of myself every now and then, but if I had to put it all together I would have no idea where to start....and let me tell you. That's scary. I know it's trite, but I want to find myself. Not because it's what people are "supposed to do", but because I feel that I need to. I need some serious self reflection on the good and the bad things I've done. I need to know if those actions were influenced by others, or things I truly wanted to do, did I do something to make someone else happy or because I truly wanted to make that choice. Who answers these questions...when is the right time to ask them. What if I don't like the answers, what if I don't like me? Is it too late to change me? Then again the entire concept of me in relative and it's what I'm trying to find, so I could not start to answer the questions I am asking.
So I've decided that although I need to get to know other people, I need to know myself first. Truly know myself, I need to be confident enough to stand up for what I believe in and what I want to do, no matter what others or what they think I should be doing. As it stands now, I think I'm a good person, I just need to figure out why, what makes me different, and how bad decisions I have made factor into my "good personness".
I feel like I've gone a while being the person that someone else wanted me to be, so I hope when I'm the person I want me to be that everyone is okay with that....and if they aren't, than that's too fvcking bad.
I think when you're travelling, when you're in a country (or city) where no one is connected to your past and therefore no one has expectations or ideas of you based on past/fraudulent notions of "who you are", when you're seperate from all that, when you're not hindered by your past, that's when you have room to grow and when you're more yourself than you ever have been.
ReplyDeleteSo going somewhere where no one knows you is an important way to break free from other peopl's perceptions of you and become who you really are, or could be. Just remember it's not supposed to be anything.