Too much information

I haven't written in a while, and it hasn't been for a lack of words or inspiration, I just haven't felt like sharing my journey. Not that it's meant to be private, I wouldn't have started a blog if that was the case, I just have not figured how to put into words this experience.

I think it's most fitting to start a month ago and slowly work from there.

In the beginning of October I took a 24 hour bus ride to the Atacama Desert, the driest desert in the world. It was breathtaking. I'm a city girl by nature and have never experienced anything like this. It was sand as far as the eye could see and the sand wasn't even the part that amazed me, it was that people lived there. This place that is such a tourist destination is someone's home. I could barely believe I was there for 4 days, but living there must be incredible. Don't get me wrong, I personally would never move there, but I can see the desire to live in a quiet and beautiful place where everyone knows your name and they are all just happy about life. That's a rare quality to find in a large city. It was like the entire town was always at peace with nature and with themselves, a quality I envied about them. I don't remember the last time I was at peace, actually I'm not sure I've ever been at peace. There is always another thousand thoughts running thought my head and wondering about the next step. While I was there, on my first solo journey, I began reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love. Now I know that some people who have read it found she was a tad too surly and crass, but that's what I loved about it. She was honest, I think it's noble that people want to read a book about someone finding themselves and be happy along the way. Well Love, if she was happy with her life, there would be no reason for the journey in the first place. Now of course I could not relate to Gilbert because she was in her 30's and going through a divorce, but that was not what I took away from the book.

Upon graduating college I had no idea what I wanted to do and many times during my senior I broke out into tears because there was no much unknowing in my life. I wasn't exactly laying on the bathroom floor asking God for advice like Gilbert, but I cried to my mom and my friends and to myself, however all of the conversations ended with "it'll be okay". I believed that to a certain extent, but not fully...which is why I cried more than once. I know that may seems like a tangent, but it's not. I felt this was my divorce. This was the part of my life where I didn't know what would come next and the thing that I've known for the past four year is coming to an end and I'm not sure how I am going to move on. But I had to move on...and I had to move home. This wasn't the worst thing in the world, but it wasn't the easiest. I just assumed that I would have the dream job, dream apartment, and everything else once I graduated, but when you realize life doesn't go as planned it a scary wake up call. Gilbert's life didn't go as planned so she travel around the world, I moved to Chile. I don't think was an extreme as her, but I think it was in the same realm of thought. Now I know I'm not a New York Times #1 Best Selling Author, but I would like to share what I've learned so far.

My name is Simone Soledad Dyson and I am the most imperfect person I have ever know, and I absolutely love it. I think that this journey of mine has allowed me to fall deeply in love with myself, not in a narcissistic "I'm-the-greatest-person-on-earth-and-everyone-should-know-that"way but a "this is who I am and I am proud of it (followed by a super big smile)" way. I feel like traveling to Chile helped me to break out of my comfort zone, but traveling through Atacama allowed me to love myself and be with myself and get to know my self, like I've never done before. I honestly feel like I was changed and bettered in four days. I didn't know that could happen, but it did. Anywhoooo...this is what I've learned thus far (and I learn a little more everyday)

• I'm shy and a bit nervous when I have to speak to people I don't know. I know it may not seem that way, but around new people I am shy and I'm not always the go-and-say-hello type of person. I know I may seem social and over the top sometimes, but at my core I'm shy and a little reserved. However after a while I'll just suck it up and if I want to or need to talk to someone I will, I may be shy but I am confident enough to believe that people will not dislike me (not everyone is going to like you) once I say hello, and if they don't I'm not going to take it too personally.
• I like being alone. I LOVE being alone, maybe it's because I'm an only child or because there are usually always people around you, but being along is like going on a date with yourself and getting a chance to learn more think about all those things you don't think about when you're around other people. You're the only person in charge and can do whatever you want to do, and you can be a little selfish...which is always nice.
• I am independent. I can handle situations on my own and I don't need to rely on someone else, like I thought I did. AND (cough cough) I can handle them in English and Spanish! It's nice to have someone you can call on and who can take care of you, but knowing you don't need them makes it that much better. I know this may not seem like a big revelation, but I've been sheltered most of my life and could always call on someone else, or blame someone else, for a problem I've had. I've learned to fix my own problems and own up to them when I make a mistake.
• My relationship with me is more important than my relationship with you(no particular you, just an abstract you). I always thought that when people say "you can't love someone unless you love yourself" made sense, but didn't have to be true. Now I know it's true, and I know it's true because right now I am falling in love with myself and do not have time to fall in love with you (again, abstract you). However, when I have fully fallen in love with myself and am comfortable with myself my heart can be open to you. My best friend pointed out to me that through college with each boyfriend I changed who I was, and she thought I had lost track of who I really was, it was a hard thing to hear and realize, but she was right, and I'm glad I'm finding myself again. Her comment wasn't the reason for this journey, Lord knows this wasn't a "go off and find yourself" trip after some emotional break down, this was more of a "I have nothing to do, but I want to travel trip", finding my self has been been the icing on a yummy cake.
• I'm not warm and fuzzy. If anyone has ever seen The Blind Side, I think that female character best represents me. I'm caring and affectionate, but I'm not warm and fuzzy like other people I have encountered. There is a someone who works at my school and she is the sweetest, warmest, and kindest, person you'd be lucky enough to meet. She is actually loving with every single one of her actions. Me however, not so much. I'm nice, I care, but I'm blunt and have no problem saying how I feel. I used to think this was an problem, but it's only a problem when I'm blunt without regard for someone else's feelings, I used to be like that...but that's not who I am.
• I'm weird. I mean everyone is weird, but I'm really weird. Living with new people who have never encountered me before, they point out to me how weird I am, and I've started to notice as well. I think it's hilarious. There are too many things to share, but as far as normal goes I'm not even in the same field. Example, for breakfast I eat one banana, cut into four pieces, one line of palm honey on each piece, and four Canela Quartitos (I don't know the same of the cereal in English) on each piece. This has nothing to do with health or calories, just the way I like to eat it. I know...weird. It's also weird that upon moving to Chile I have an odd love for all things banana, and before coming here I never ate them.

To some people reading this it may seem like they knew that about me, but I didn't know it and until you know someone about yourself it doesn't really count. My apologies for this being the longest blog post to date, but I haven't written in a while and frankly, I just had a lot to say.

As the risk of sounding super cliche...I think a James Baldwin quote sums up my experience the best.

"I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. "